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Retrospect
Tuesday, December 31, 2013 18:46

2013 was no doubt the best year of my life.
If I were to look back and choose one of the happiest points in my life, no doubt 2013 would come to mind.
I remember telling my mum how happy I am now, and she thought I was crazy cuz I was laughing and crying.



Before all the good things came to me, I felt as if I was losing myself. It’s like you could ask me to describe myself and I wouldn’t be able to go past the superficials and standard answers like “talkative”. It’s not as if I was sad and depressed or anything, I was just mostly void of feeling. Apathetic and uninterested- as if I was getting sick of the routine of life. A levels had ended and I felt like I had no goal and nothing to look forward to anymore.



Then came my A level results which I will forever be thankful for. The pride in my family’s eyes and words was worth it all. Thinking back, this was probably when things started getting better for me.



I joined UOB on 20th February, and that’s where I met Julie. This is where all the words in the dictionary fail me. I don’t know how to describe her. She’s crazy yet serious, childish yet mature, chill yet goal-driven, and like I told her in her birthday card, I feel like she’s got it all figured out, cuz her life is such a well-balanced one. Because of you, Julie, I didn’t have to face my sadness alone nor celebrate my victories by myself. Till this day I’m astounded as to how selfless you are with me- with your money, time, and most importantly love. I’ve always heard of selfless love (agape) but I think apart from my family, you’re the next closest to a real life example of it in my life. I look up to you so much and in so many ways I aspire to be like you, though in my own way.

No matter what others say I know your influence in my life benefits me more than it harms me. Thank you for all the new experiences you’ve brought in my life, for the companionship, for the friends you introduced me to whom I’ve grown to deeply love and care for, for being there for me no matter what/where/when. You’re the one I would call if I got into trouble in the middle of the night with no doubt in my mind you’re the right person to go to. Thank you for opening my eyes up to the world.




Then June came and I swear it was the craziest month of my life. That was when my life changed forever and not because of one event but because of a series of them. I left UOB to go for all my holidays before school starts, and the first one up was Church Camp. For the past year I’ve been so resentful and bitter to everyone in Life BP Church. I felt like my time there was all a bad dream and I desperately wanted to forget everything- how I acted, how I was treated, the things I saw and the things people told me. To be honest I will never get over it, but church camp took away this anger in me. Thank you my LPBC Rebels- Joanna, Edel, Sherlin, Joel Tan and Joel Lim. For judging and nagging me with love instead of disapproval like how it has always been in church, for being concerned for my well-being when it seemed as if I was the one who threw everyone aside, and for standing up for me when I’m not around to do so myself.

Thank you- Joanna for being so generous with material possessions and her love, Edel for genuinely listening to me and being able to advise me well cuz you understand, Sherlin for looking out for any signs of unhappiness on my part and making sure I’m okay almost immediately after, and Joel Tan for showing your love for me in your own unique ways- driving me around, talking to me on sensitive topics I wouldn’t talk to others about and for reassuring  me that I can always call you if I need you to beat anyone up for me (LOL). Because of me you guys could face a lot of judgement yourselves, but you guys stayed anyway, and that’s the most genuine thing I took from church.




Then was my Bangkok trip one day after, during which I was mostly on my phone discussing with my Titans about my birthday party. I had no idea why but this year I felt like I just wanted my birth to be celebrated as a big thing for once. So thankful for them, but that’s a paragraph I’ll save for later. I’m glad I got to spend time with my family since I’ve been so busy with UOB, Church camp, etc. and my family is something I’ll be thankful for every year without fail.

People close to me will know how often I talk about my mother, and when I do how I do it with love in my tone. I don’t know what I did to deserve a mother like her, who accepts me no matter what shit I’m in right now, and a mother who I can tell honestly when I’m going clubbing, whether I’m smoking, when I’m going to sheesha, or whatever, and even offers to pick me and my friends up from ZoukOut.

My dad is someone I will also be forever thankful for, though his love for me is a quiet and subtle one, I know he does love me and shows it in his own ways- by picking me up and sending me to wherever, quietly suggesting that maybe my guy friends should walk me home since it’s late at night, buying me beats earphones the day after I spoilt the other beats earphones you bought for me, etc.

And of course my brother who has been my confidante in many things and who looks up to me no matter how screwed up I am. He’s such a good listener which is good for someone like me who talks a lot, and when he gives a response, it’s either so full of wit or wisdom I feel ashamed that I’m the older sibling instead of him.




On 28th June I celebrated my birthday in advance at East Coast. I didn’t really have a guestlist, I pretty much copied and pasted the same casual invitation to every whatsapp groupchat and individuals I talk to often, and ended up with 35 over people attending my party. (Including all the plus 1s). It was such a big shock to me that my birthday mattered to people and they genuinely wanted to take time off to celebrate it with me. It’s not as if I was offering them something so great like a hotel room to sleepover in, or a professionally hosted event, it was just a BBQ at freaking east coast park. And yet people came from NS, work, school, etc, just cuz I casually invited them (some not even individually). For the people who came, even the friends of my friends, I am thankful that you made my 19th such a memorable one.




Then 30th June came I honestly I don’t think I can ever forget that day even when I’m old and senile. In hindsight, it was a bittersweet day. Bitter because it was a slap in the face that things almost always never work out the way I want it to, and also it was the day I forced myself to list out my imperfections and that was fucked up as hell. Then now I think of that day more fondly- as the day that opened up the gates to many new adventures for my then very mundane life. Also because of that day, I got to know so many more people that have become important in my life, and closer to people I already knew and got to know them in a whole new way. So to you, thank you for that day. One day the hurt buried deep in my heart will heal, and I hope your guilt has already long healed.




My actual birthday was such a simple one, and yet I’m so thankful for the normalcy amongst the craziness I was unwillingly tossed into. My life then was crazy, I spent 5 days in church camp, came back to the haze for 1 day, flew off to Bangkok for another 5 days, came home and threw my birthday party, then had that incident threw at me. Thank you 5/7th of the Titans for going to USS for me to leech off their birthday freebies and spam the Battlestar.



After I turned 19, things that were once foreign and uncommon to me became my way of life. If anyone ever wants to stop being my friend and blame it on me changing, this period of time would be your perfect excuse. The friends I mixed with were people I never thought I’d mix well with, and yet through a series of events we ended up being very good friends I never want to lose in my life. The vices that I started indulging in were ones I never thought I’d succumb to, and yet I did and still am. The experiences in my daily life became much more eventful and exciting, and that was when I started to love the weekends dearly when everyone was free to hang out. This was the time my life changed. I went out and lived my life, instead of merely dreaming of it. I believe very strongly in not regretting the major decisions in my life and I definitely would not regret changing my lifestyle this drastically.

The crazy clubbing phase kicked in and for a little over 4 months I was in a club every Friday night, and some weeks I partied more than once a week. I am neither proud nor ashamed of it, but view it simply as a fact that I am a person who likes to have fun. My mother grew abit concerned but after reassuring her I’m fine, she never once bothered me about it ever again (even encouraging me to go for zoukout LOL). School started in around August and I initially planned on focusing solely on my studies and not going to a club till the holidays, but out of the 14 weeks of school, I clubbed at least 10 of them. This was also an important event in my life, because that was when I realised the importance of balance. I didn’t want a 4.0 GPA at the expense of my life and friends, neither did I want a lousy GPA at the expense of having fun. I learnt to organise my time well, making sure I had time for both fun and studies, and though my GPA could have been better this sem, I am forever proud of the balance of both worlds in my life. My friends would say it’s ridiculous how free I am given that I’m in a university, and yet my grades in my weekly tests never dropped below a B+. Naïve, but I honestly think I’ve found the secret to life. This is what I define success as- being able to balance work and play and excelling in both areas. To be able to thrive and not just survive.

SMU so far has been amazing. I’ve made so many new friends and no enemies so far which is almost impossible for a person like me.


A lot of random things happened along the way, like USS Halloween, sheesha sessions at Haji, drinking sessions with the Titans, sleepovers, dramas, etc. And I can honestly say I am thankful for each and every one of them, be it good or bad, because it all led me here today and I am happy. I remember telling my mum I got home late (like 7am wtf) cuz of drama and she said as long as I didn’t appear in the newspapers the next day then it’s fine, hahahah.



(omg I’m getting tired but I will forever regret it if I don’t complete this post properly)




And then December came and I got to spend time with Julie, Pris, Kai, Bryant, Joel & Guowei at Zoukout, Fairmont and tomorrow (today) at Jurong Country Club. Thank you all for partying with me at zoukout, celebrating Christmas together, and counting down to the new year together in the west. When we’re all together, It’s like we have this bond though we came together by introducing our friends to other friends. When I’m with you guys, I feel loved, safe, cherished, and most importantly- blessed. I love that we’re all so comfortable with each other and we can go through the best and worst of times together and still be there for one another. You all have been such a blessing to my life and I really hope you all would stick around, because I like having you guys around.







So that’s it for reminiscing. I’m going to do paragraphs for important individuals in my life now, because it didn’t fit in to my story just now hahaha.


To the Titans: I’m sure you all noticed how much my life/I have changed this year, and it’s so cheesy but really, thank you all for being the constants in my life.

Mich: Thank you for always being an iMessage away, whether it be accounting help or random panic attacks we both get, or whatever. I know I haven’t been as close as I hoped to be to you this year because we both led our own lives, but I’m glad we still found space for each other in our respective lives no matter how busy it got. If each friendship had to go through their own challenging times, this was, in a way, ours. I love you, and I hope you know that even if we don’t meet up every freaking week like we used to in JC.

Amelia: Yup you didn’t force me to write this part :D I am so so so so grateful we’re both in SMU biz together, and sometimes I don’t know what I’d do if you went to a different school. Thanks for accompanying me to the gym, to the smoking areas around school, to random study sessions, and for trusting me to handle our class biddings and schedules. If I didn’t have you around, I would just go to school like a routine. But having you there for me to talk to, to tell you about my weekends, my dramas, you became like a connection between my life outside of school and my life in school. Thank you for all the times you’ve shown me your love, both in big ways like driving me around and giving me stuff, as well as in the smaller quieter ways like buying me food/drinks before class, paying for my meals thinking I won’t realise, signing up for events and all with me. I love you very dearly and I too hope I will never lose you in my life, and I promise you that if our friendship is ever threatened- both internally or externally, I will do everything within my means to fight for it.

Maxx: Hi you, thank you for bringing me clubbing for my first time and (in your own words) “created a monster”. Thank you for all the times we spent at Holland V pouring our hearts out to each other, and for times you accompanied me to places. Thank you for confiding in me and also letting me confide in you. Those bonding times we shared is something I treasure very dearly and hope that we do it more often. I love you, and I’m so glad you’re in my life.

Weiyan: Fucker run off to Canada and leave all of us here to melt under the Sg sun. I read your tweets everyday and sometimes I wished you were here studying in Sg so that we could relate more to your rants. But then I think of how badly you wanted to get out of this country and I am honestly glad you got to. For the times you randomly whatsapped me to check up on me if you sensed something was amiss, I thank you, and I’m sorry I don’t do the same all the time. Thank you for that one night when you texted me at 5am (Sg) time, and though you didn’t know it, stopped me from having a crazy emotional breakdown at the back of some taxi.

Veno: VENO thank you, you, for showing me your love for me by randomly whatsapping me to check up on me, and for asking about me because you genuinely care. Thank you for your well-wishes when I'm feeling down, or for your cheers for me to party hard when you know I'm clubbing that night. Means alot to me you take the effort to be so involved in my life (':

Sher: Thanks for making the effort to always reply me in the group chat even though sometimes I'm damn off topic or lame or whatever. Thanks for opening up your house to me/us, even on that day when it was so last minute and I just didn't want to go home. You never pester me to share anything and when I do willingly you're a good listener and advise giver and I'm thankful for that. 

Thanks you guys for rushing down on 30th June to wherever I was just cuz I typed in the group chat to "come get me". Will forever wonder what good I did in my life to deserve you all. 



To Joel: Bet you were wondering when your name would come up. Thank you for deciding this year that you still want to be a part of my life, and thank you for letting me be a part of yours, which brought many more friends into my life. Thank you for helping me gracefully move past that incident and for opening up so many doors to make my life so much more interesting and fun. I see how you express you love for me almost everyday, in small ways like replying me even though you're damn busy, holding doors open for me till it becomes a habit, waiting for me when I'm damn late, to the bigger ways like making time for me, constantly giving me reassurance for my insecurities, trusting me enough to tell me almost everything (sometimes too much), and for respecting me enough to actually listen to my advise. You knew how hard I fell and you were there through it all to pick me up again, even though you weren't obliged to. I know it's so cheesy and cliche but I mean it when I say you'll always have a special place in my heart. You've made me happier, livelier, more adventourous, more open-minded, more retarded even, and I'm forever grateful for that. I hope to never lose you in my life and trust me when I say I won't let that happen without fighting with all I've got to make sure it doesn't happen. I love you, thank you for being such a blessing to me this year as I know you'll continue to be in following years, and I hope I've been a blessing in your life as well. 



To all my JC friends who still keep in touch with me- Nicholas, Clarence, Nico, Ryan, thank you for making that effort though I suck so badly at reciprocating and get so busy I can't make it to our meet ups. I promise ill try harder next year (: separate mention to Rina who's been so dear to me, motivating me to start exercising, then making sure to follow up on me so I won't get lazy nor unmotivated. Thank you for always whatsapping me whenever you sense something amiss and showing your love & concern for me. I can text or call you whenever and I know you'll be there for me no matter how little we talk on other days and I'm so grateful to have you as a friend and you've been such a blessing for me in 2013 <3



To everyone else whom I interact with, even occasionally, thank you all for remembering me even though we may have been so out of touch, for wishing me happy birthday on my birthday, for wishing me random things like merry Christmas, happy valentines day, etc. For liking my Instagram photos when I was so worried about my posts not getting likes, for commenting lovely things on them, for reading the articles I share on Facebook, thank you all for letting my existence play even that small part in your life. 



Yup so that's it for 2013. If you bothered to read through the whole thing instead of looking out for only your name, you really too free la serious. But I bet you're crying/tearing as well because I'm so impactful with words like that (yessss I can hear some of you going "omg there's the debbs we know"). Thank you every single one of you, for making 2013 the best year of my life. And thank you to the special ones who make me look forward to 2014 because you'll be in it. 












Me
Debbs, 20.
Just the beat inside my soul

Hopes
♠ No regrets

Speak

Past
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  • credits
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