Saturday, September 14, 2013 16:51
Always loved Mia Michaels but this will forever be something close to my heart.
16:45
I keep replaying scenarios in my head.
Scenes where things are perfect, things are the way it should be, how I want it to be.
Thoughts I know I shouldn't entertain because there is no chance it would come true.
Thoughts that I know I shouldn't even be having.
But it's always there, at the back of my mind.
What if this worked out, what if things were different, what if things change.
I keep sitting around waiting for any small signs that things may go that way,
then I use it as an excuse to fuel my wishful thinkings.
Then again I think I'm just lonely.
Not that I need to get attached or need a guy,
I just need companions I guess?
And I'm so blessed because I know how much people love me
and I know how much they'd do for me,
including meeting me almost every freaking day, just so I wouldn't feel alone.
I don't know.
I have too many thoughts.
Monday, September 02, 2013 01:23
Deborah (
noun)
Someone people put up with & occasionally entertain, but never anyone's first choice.
Sunday, September 01, 2013 01:06
Omfg I just read through some of my past entries and I am damn embarrassing.
But yeah it's one of those nights where I've too much on my mind and too much time on my hands just to make it worse. I feel so empty nowadays, as if I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. I feel as if I'm on this never-ending chase to fill my time with fun, company, entertainment, vices, idk, just anything.
I hate feeling like that. And I hate that everytime people can't meet me at night I feel so fucking disappointed because that's just another long night for me. I feel jealous when I see people have fun while I'm stuck at home with these thoughts that I so badly wish to kill. But then again I know if I were in their position I'd only be temporarily getting rid of the proble.
Idk it's fucking annoying because I personally think that I can rationalise and think logically and move on from there. But how do I do that when I don't know what the fuck is wrong?
Nights spent partying, chilling, htht-ing, having supper, doing anything that can be done so late at night that it's practically morning- it's not filling this void. Fun, yes, I still love the fun from all these. Just that my answer doesn't lie in these things.
Yknow what's the most annoying? Knowing that there's gonna be a flood of people going "You need Jesus in your life" as if I don't know that. You think I grew up in church never hearing about stories of people having this emptiness in their lives only God can fill? It's not as if I haven't tried. How do I repent when I'm not truly sorry. How do I feel truly sorry when I actually do not regret anything and would do it all over again if I had the chance to?
So yup I just had to get all of that out so I can finally sleep even though I am really fucking exhausted and weary and tired.
I hope I find my answer soon though.
Edit: Wtf I just checked and I have a post exactly 2 months ago with the title "Empty". I'm gonna run out of synonyms soon.
