So I finally
decided to write this blog post, and instead of brushing off this question
whenever it’s raised, or make a sound of subtle disgust when this topic is
brought up, I’m going to list the reasons out. Mostly, it’s for me to sort out
the thoughts I’d shoved to the back of my mind, but also to others going
through the same thing I did and wondering if you’re doing something wrong, or
if Christianity is not meant for you.
I was born
into Life Bible-Presbyterian Church, and all my life I was told that it’s a
blessing as I didn’t have to go through years of being “lost” before I found
the church. But to me that meant that I didn’t have a choice, and that my
religion was decided for me since I entered this world. I went through
everything a typical Christian child went through- Baptism, Sunday School,
reaffirmation of my faith, partaking of the holy communion, joining youth
groups and even going on mission trips. For a point in my life I felt that this
was all I was meant to do and I didn’t have a choice in it, and since I
couldn’t get out of it I might as well immerse myself totally into this
lifestyle.
In a way, I
was obsessed. I could quote bible verses for every situation, perhaps even as a
witty come-back sometimes. I spent almost all the free time I had in church and
other free time hanging out with people I met from church. My aim in life back
then was to achieve all the milestones I could in church- be a youth leader, go
on mission trips, be a church leader, have a say in the decisions made by the
church, so on and so forth. Not once did I think to question my goals. Like I
said- to me it was all already decided for me.
Pretty soon
the voices in my head got too loud to ignore, and too stubborn to chastise with
the word of the Lord. On the outside, I had it all together. But on the inside,
I constantly questioned why I still felt empty on the inside, why I wasn’t
contented with the friendships I’ve forged, why I still felt like I have no
aims in life, and most importantly why I wasn’t happy.
Being the
staunch Christian I was back then, naturally I sought advice from church
leaders. Their words, peppered with blibical references and words, all sounded
the same to me- it wasn’t about whether I was happy, it’s about whether God is
happy. To me that didn’t make sense. Couldn’t there be a way to make both
things work? Couldn’t I be happy while still being holy? Surely they didn’t
expect me to conform and give in until I was the perfect cookie cutter
Christian like so many great past Christians were.
I felt
unbelievably suffocated. It was like everyone was ready and willing to help me,
but when they did, it felt like nobody considered my feelings, but rather the
godliness of my thoughts. Gradually, I learnt to shut out what others around me
were saying, and rather listen to myself instead. I started to realise the
flaws in our church, the superficiality of my friendships, and the emptiness of
the life I was living. It was like something inside me just snapped, and I
decided to listen to all the “what if’s” in my head and turn it into a reality
instead.
Today, I
constantly tell people how happy I am, and how I so often am overwhelmed with
how blessed I am. Granted, many if not most of the things I do today are
ungodly and perhaps bordering unlawful, but the most important thing to me was
that I found myself. I do not despise Christianity nor the religion, and deep
down I still believe I am a child of God, though strayed beyond belief. I
believe that God has blessed me greatly, and everything I am and have today is
thanks to God. My parents occasionally ask why I still refuse to go to church,
and I myself am still struggling with it. But all I know is that I don’t regret
anything I did, and given a choice, I would still do everything I did all over
again.
Kinda weird
considering how I talked about being happy and blissful and yet here I am
typing a long blog post talking about why I was unhappy in church. But for
years my father has been asking me to speak up, partially because he loves me
and was concerned for my well-being, but also so that other youths especially
my brother will know what I went through, and realise that instead of keeping
it all in like I did, they will be more aware of the issues plaguing our church
and perhaps even approach someone about it. Many friends from church have asked
me why I left church, and what problems I had with Life BP church. I know that
every church has its own problems, but I shudder at the thought of someone else
going through everything I did. Not everyone is as blessed and fortunate as me
to come out of this without overwhelming bitterness or hatred, and I feel very
strongly about speaking up whenever I can.
So these are
the issues I faced in church. From what I heard, there’s a lot more deeper and
darker issues in church, but the things I mention in this blog post are what
I’ve faced personally, and what made me bitter and hateful for years. Just a
heads up for people not from life church- LTF refers to Lively Teens
Fellowship, a youth group for teens held every Saturday 3-6pm. And from
henceforth I’ll refer to life church as LBPC.
1.
Judgemental People
To me this was
the most annoying and hypocritical thing about Life church. Every week we sit
through sermons telling us to be Christ-like, hate the sin not the sinner, help
your fellow Christian brethren out, etc, but in practice we judge with the
wrath of a thousand suns. Sometimes to our faces, but mostly behind our backs
in the form of malicious gossip. These are just a few things I was judged
heavily on-
- Wearing shorts to LTF because it
could be a stumbling block to my brothers in Christ (because yknow my legs are
the sexiest thing ever)
- Talking/texting guys
- Not going for LTF
- Posting a facebook post that
included the word “sucks
- Going home to take a shower
during camp
- Going to cinemas (not kidding-
it’s a worldly place and we are not of the world)
- Having any form of bodily contact
with guys (yes I mean even a slight brush)
- Painting my nails (“bible got say
you can paint your nails?”)
- Not praying daily
- Not having my quiet time with God
daily
- Dozing off during church service
- Texting during service
- Commenting on which guys look
cute
- Being in the same room as a guy
- Initiating outings with friends,
some of whom included guys
- Being defiant because I
questioned why we had to drastically limit our contact with guys
- Being fat (gluttony is one of the
7 deadly sins)
- Being too “blatant” because I am
energetic and passionate about some things.
- Having problems I don’t want to
discuss with anyone from church
Okay honestly
I could go on forever, but as you can see the list ranges from legitimate
concerns to outright stupid things. What’s worse is that in the outside world,
we naturally learn to deal with all these bullshit and brush it off as people
being malicious, but when it happens in church, they manage to twist their way
into masking their judgement behind the pretence of “being concerned with the
spiritual well-being of our sister in Christ”. I was led to believe that every
time someone judges me, it’s because they are concerned for me and there was
something I was doing wrong to deserve this judgment. And when you question why
you’re being judged when it’s wrong to be judgmental, they tell you it’s
because they don’t want you to stray away from leading a Christ-centered life.
I remember
when I was being reprimanded for going home to bathe during LTF camp. I was
honestly so confused and conflicted. I had gotten permission to go home to
bathe, but apparently I should have known better and knew that person misheard
me and I shouldn’t go home to bathe. To me, I had done the right thing. And
like I mentioned to R when questioned, if I had to make the decision again, I
would’ve done the same thing. I mean, I was told that I’m allowed to, and I
honestly thought that would reduce the queue for showers in church. Never did
it occur to me that merely showering at home could affect the Christ-like ness
of others or even their spiritual life because they would be soooo affected
that me, a youth leader, thought she’s above everyone else and deserved a
separate shower in the comfort of my own home. (Btw my house is literally down
the road from church.) (I checked google maps- it’s 900m away)
I lived in
constant self-hate and doubt. Why was it no matter what I did I couldn’t please
everyone? And if I couldn’t please everyone, it means that I’m always not doing
something right. And I had to do everything right, I had to. How else could I
be a good Christian and be a living testimony for God? (more on that later) It
was so exhausting having to question my every move before and after I made it.
Being very spontaneous in nature, I often did things without thinking, and
during this period of time I felt like I couldn’t be who I was anymore because
I always had to consider things from everyone else’s point of view before I did
it.
This was the
most torturous for me. Having to question everything I do, and if I made the
“wrong” decision, wonder why I kept failing. I believe that this affected me
greatly and for a long while, I will be struggling with this. Ask my close
friends today- if something bad or drastic happens, my instinct will be to
blame myself first, even if it has nothing to do with me. I say sorry too
easily, and I fault myself for many things out of my control. I was brought up
to believe that everything that happens in my life, I have at least a little
bit of control over and there has to be something different I could do to end
up with a different outcome. (Fun fact: LBPC teaches that if you look at
someone with lust, it’s considered committing adultery. Even if that person is
scantily dressed, or even naked, you can control it by not taking the 2nd
look and maintaining your sanctity)
2.
Obsession over what’s right and what’s wrong
One popular
saying in LBPC and maybe even other churches was that “we are in the world but
not of the world”, meaning to say that we should set ourselves apart from the
rest. (Yes I know, all I hear is “Christians are better than the rest and thus
we should be doing better things than everyone else”) It was like the church’s
little secret that we are superior and we should continue striving to not be
associated with the world. That’s what contributed to most of the thing I
listed above. Eg. We couldn’t go to cinemas because that’s a worldly place, and
the people that filled the cinemas most probably weren’t holy, and neither is
the show you’re about to watch in the cozy abomination that is the theatre. Other
examples of how we should set ourselves apart is how we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas,
how we say “blessed” birthday instead of “happy” (because they apparently don’t
mean the same thing), how we can’t say “Xmas” because it removes “Christ” from
“Christmas”, how we can’t say “omg”, “oh my gosh”, “gosh”, “damn”, etc because
it’s blasphemous. We couldn’t do henna because it’s another religion’s
practice, couldn’t pierce our ears because “our body is the temple of God”, can't do yoga because it's worshipping the sun god, etc.
Our solution
to all this? Familiarise ourselves with the word of the Lord so that when
encountered with any situation, we will instinctively choose the holier option.
It was a never-ending journey of trying to be more theologically knowledgeable-
memorising verses, going for bible study, going for multiple sermons, asking
youth group leaders for their advice on the stupidest things (is playing the
psp sinful?)
There were few
grey areas in Christianity. “The answer is always in the bible”. Today we see
more liberal Christians who start to accept less controversial practices, like
using drums and whatever for their service instead of the traditional organ or
piano. Some have even gone further to accept homosexuality. But all these were
out of the question for LBPC. Few things are debateable. LBPC’s a very
traditional church and always referred to the Bible whenever there was a
controversial topic at hand. Like many have said, what the Bible says could
probably mean different things to different people (personal conviction) but in
LBPC, there wasn’t such a thing. Once the church decided whether an issue was
acceptable or not, everyone else had to follow suit, and thoughts about defying
their decision was sinful and ungodly.
Again it was
so tiring for me (in fact I think that’s the word to describe my experience
with LBPC- tiring). On top of my school work I had to make time to learn about
the word of the Lord, or else I wasn’t leading a godly Christian life. To the
church, there’s always something to learn and we must never be contented with
what we already know.
Another fun
fact- every year for LTF the committee decides on the theme for the sermons
delivered during meetings every week, and for one particular year they decided
to repeat every single sermon from a previous year but by a different speaker
because we can never be satisfied with what we already know about that topic.
(LOL I think I’m gonna end each point with a fun fact just because)
3.
Loss of free will, and hence individuality
Our obsession
to be perfect led to the loss of free will. Yeah it’s our lives and we make our
own decisions but all hell break loose if your free will contradicts what the
church decides is right. It was so ridiculous that a youth leader actually told
me how many cm my shorts should be before it’s considered acceptable, and it’s
a well-known fact that in my church all brides to walk down our sacred aisle
has to have at least 3 cm thick sleeves. (Yes, not 2.5, not 2.8, 3cm. 300mm.)
I remember
wearing a Union Jack flag top to church once, and my Sunday school teacher very
randomly decides to bring up the fact that what we wear to church shouldn’t
draw attention to ourselves as all attention should be on God. (Another fun
fact I couldn’t wait till the end of this point to bring up- we’re not allowed
to clap in church, even after a choir has performed or whatever, because it
draws attention to them and not God)
Imagine being
so restricted, being told what to do & what not to do. What to do more
often & what to do less often. It’s always the game of whoever knows more
about God decides how other people’s lives should be led. The church has an
underlying hate for anyone who’s different, and label them as defiant,
rebellious, and having no respect for authority, just because they decide to do
something differently. And yes I speak from experience.
I just
realised how this parallels our education system today, but I think in church
the impact is made so much worse because they get inside your brain and
convince you that if you don’t conform, you’re not going against them but
rather going against God Himself. And they talk about the crowns you’ll get in
heaven if you do this and this right, and how we’d be missing out if we didn’t
do it the “right” way.
So yes, that’s
mostly how I lost myself. I stopped listening to my thoughts, what I liked and
disliked, and started listening to what the church likes and dislikes. I
pretended to enjoy activities I was supposed to enjoy, and frown at things I
secretly wish I could do. Anytime I tried to shut out any external voices and
listen to myself instead, I was deviant and straying away from God. They tell
you to have your quiet time with God, but how quiet can it be with the voices
of church leaders ringing in your head telling you that quiet time should be at
least 30 mins long, you should read at least chapter of the Bible every day,
you should be making notes and reviewing them the next day, etc. I didn’t know
who I was anymore, but at least I knew who I should be instead.
4.
Taking accountability a bit too far
So the church
leaders have to go through bible studies and lessons and counselling to become
a leader, and they think that because their life was made so difficult, it’s
okay to make the lives of others difficult as well, all under the name of being
“accountable to Christ”. I can’t count the number of times I was guilt tripped
into reporting my actions to my leader because if I don’t and I happened to be
doing the wrong thing, they too will be held accountable under the eyes of God.
This is where
some church members get confused with godly love. They think that because
someone checks up on them so often, it translates to love and concern for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are people in church who genuinely care for
your well-being, but because of the close community of the church, word spreads
and before long your family’s business can become the church’s. Over the years
I’ve heard of how some church members got into trouble with the law, or how
their families are in financial need, or if someone got fired, or if someone’s
father cheated on their mother, etc. What’s even funnier is that every time I
heard something like that, it was delivered by a person seemingly very
concerned about that individual’s well-being, and how I should pray for them.
What a
hypocritical way to gossip. Add a “please pray for --- because ---“ and instead
of gossiping, you’re making sure that you won’t be faulted by God for not being
accountable. What a way of turning something so malicious into something
beneficial for your spiritual life.
A few years
ago, my family was going through a bad time. We just couldn’t get along and
when we went out together, tempers would flare and someone would get defensive.
The church decided that it was their business and decided that we needed
counselling sessions. Granted, my family is much better compared to then, but
honestly I felt like the counselling sessions were more of a way for someone in
the church to be kept in the loop. Before long, more and more people knew that
I was having problems with my family and that we weren’t getting along well. I
think that’s what brought us together actually, rather than counselling it was
the unitedness against external pressure.
Okay fun fact,
in 2008 I was close to a guy and I admittedly had feelings for him. We were
talking almost every day and I told him things that were very personal and he
to me as well. Long story short, he got caught up in the way of life in LBPC
and decided that my personal problems had to be shared with others in order to
help me. How convenient was it that my problem was me being infatuated with him
while he was not. Because in LBPC, they could find a way to turn unrequited
love into a stumbling block in my walk with God. (Meh this fact like not very
fun ah, hahah)
5.
“Be a good testimony, debbs”
I think by now
you’d notice some overlaps in my points, but I don’t really know how else to
separate it. Because the church decided what was right, we all had to do what
was right, and if I didn’t I was judged for it, and I should strive to be right
almost all the time because I was to be an example for Christ.
“Be the light
of the world and the salt of the earth”, which basically just translates to do
what’s right so that people will look up to Christians and hence God. My freedom
of speech was taken away, and I remember a period of time when it was the
correct thing to do to delete your social media account because anything you
say can and will be held against you (lol). Till today I’m wondering if the
church instigated that movement so that people will have no other outlet to
vent their frustrations except to someone in church, so that that piece of
gossip can be spread around to almost the whole church in order to keep
everyone accountable.
I remember
feeling so frustrated by being so restricted and constrained (and there they
were talking about how Christianity is more than a set of rules to live by and
in fact should be liberating), that I wrote a facebook post quoting Ghandi. “I
like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. You Christians are so unlike
your Christ”. Basically I was just tired of being liable for every action I
took or every word I said (hell, even business contracts have exemption
clauses, but nooo for my life nothing was exempted from judgment).
Again the
guilt tripping ate away at me. I could screw up my life for all I cared, but if
and when others find out, they could be influenced to live like me since I was
a youth leader too, and I would thus be accountable for them straying away for
God.
Fun fact: in
point #1 I mentioned that I got judged for a facebook post which said “The
feeling I’m feeling now sucks ):” because the word ‘sucks’ has a sexual
connotation to it and God forbid the young girls under my care follow suit and
start throwing the word around, soon showing the world that young Christian
girls want to suck male genitals. I mean…seriously?
6.
Superficiality of “friends”
Wow this part
will be hard for me to write without injecting snippets of hatred into it. Till
this day, I don’t think I can ever hate people as much as I hate some people I
met in church. (Yes I can almost see some of you sniggering because you’ve
heard me mention my violent tendencies and malicious thoughts, especially
towards this particular person) But I will try, because the main point of my
blog post is to get my story out. You can ask me about my hatred another day if
you bother.
In LBPC, it
was a constant competition of who’s holier and therefore who was more
respectable. It was so boring omg. We’d meet for dinner and have arguments on
what the Bible said, we’d go to marina barrage and fly a kite and end up
sitting in a circle talking about our struggles in our walk with God. In 2007
we all went for LTF camp where the theme was “Loving Fellow Sheep” (which
stands for LTF ha ha ha) and a pun on the word “fellowship”, which means godly
conversations with Christian brethren with Christ being the center of our every
word. All of a sudden everyone decided that having normal conversations was
wrong and we should all aim to make Christ the center of all our convos.
I swear this
was the most tiring out of them all. You think you’re going out for a movie
with your friends, but noooo afterwards you have to tell them about your quiet
time with God (because that makes it sooo quiet) or your spiritual walk with
God if not our meeting up wouldn’t have been pleasing to God’s eyes as He
wasn’t the center of our attention.
So this was a
big hindrance to my friendships forged in church, because most people were
obsessed with developing their relationship with God, even at the expense of
friendships forged with your friends. I didn’t have friends- I had
acquaintances, and I knew more about their walk with God than about them. I
didn’t know their favourite colour, or favourite cuisine, because knowing about
what they learnt during their quiet time was more important.
This is where
previous points I brought up come in. Another reason why friendships were so
superficial is because nobody could keep a secret in order to be accountable.
Tell someone you’ve a crush on this guy and suddenly everyone knows. Tell
someone you’re going to a birthday party instead of LTF and everyone knows (and
judges). Then because we were all obsessed with doing the right thing, the
friends I made were more concerned with how they could make me a better person
instead of enjoying my company. Because of how we judge to show our disapproval
and subtle pressure to do the right thing instead, friends judge you all the
time and sometimes even tell it to your face. (In 2009 I was reprimanded from
my ‘friend’ for being too excited and typing in all caps because that shows how
I won’t think before I speak)
Okay fun fact
time: in 2011 I was about to make the transition from LTF to YF (Youth
fellowship, for slightly older teens to young adults), and this asshole
actually dissuaded my friend from bringing me to YF meetings because in YF, I
would have to make more decisions by myself instead of having the church make
them for me, and I wasn’t mature enough to handle that freedom.
Fun fact #2
just for the hell of it: this same asshole decided it was his responsibility to
make sure everyone does their quiet time daily, and when one of my friends
shared her testimony openly with everyone about how she hasn’t been doing her
quiet time often but will strive to do so from the new year onwards, he decided
that she needs to report to him whenever she does her quiet time, the date that
she starts her routine, and the dates that she missed her quiet time. Because
yeah everyone grasps the concept of “quiet” so well.
Fun fact #3
because wow I get so pissed when I think of this guy: Said guy was in a
captain’s ball team with my brother, and said guy pretended my brother didn’t
exist just because he’s not that good in sports. I still remember the
disappointment in my brother’s eyes and voice when he asked for the ball and
got blatantly ignored as if he didn’t exist. I mean seriously you win a
captain’s ball game means you got more authority and power is it?
You know what,
fuck it, Ernest Kew you know I’m talking about you and your sarcastic ass aptly
attached to a head which apparently has never seen a good hair day. I know I’m
not the only person you pissed off in church and a large portion of my hatred
stems from you and your obvious lack of social etiquette. Get off your throne
and start reflecting on how your actions cause so much hurt to others.
(omg I can
already hear my phone ringing from church leaders demanding I talk about it.
Please just spare me and ask him instead of me this time.)
[LOL obviously
failed at keeping my hatred out of this]
7.
Underlying power play
This pisses me
off more than it affected me. Just a short paragraph because this treads
between a personal experience and the deeper, darker secrets of the church I
mentioned at the start of my blog post.
It was fairly
obvious how some leaders weren’t cut out to be leaders simply because they lack
the charisma or traits of a leader, while others who were obviously very
influential were never chosen to be leaders. This was due to many reasons-
perhaps the leader was a child of someone important in church, like a pastor,
and perhaps the person who never gets chosen to be a leader pissed someone on
the committee off by being deviant, or even because they were the kid of
someone the committee members disliked.
For awhile I
wondered why my parents couldn’t be more well-known in church as that could
open up more opportunities for me to move ahead, before I realised how this was
all so disgusting. I still feel guilty for thinking my family wasn’t good
enough for me just because they didn’t have a high profile in church.
I actually
would rather not leave a fun fact for this point but I think I made up for it
in my previous point hahaha.
8.
How everything’s supposed to be kept a secret
This part
puzzled me more than annoyed me, before I realise that nobody can say anything
against the church because they don’t want people to start going against the church.
It’s like the Capitol in The Hunger Games trilogy. Remember how I mentioned my
post about quoting Ghandi? I got a call 5 hours later asking me to take it down
because it doesn’t reflect well on us as Christians. Honestly I think they just
didn’t want others to realise the flaws in our system like I’ve fortunately
realised.
I grew up with
some people, and when they left our church and I asked around for the reason
why, nobody seemed to know. Funny how some things can be so personal yet so
widely known while issues like these which concerns a childhood friend of mine
couldn’t be revealed.
Fun fact: In
2013, LBPC had a more liberal pastor to guest speak at our retreat in Bintan.
He made a remark about our 3-cm thick sleeved wedding dress rules, and our
no-spaghetti-strap rule and said we shouldn’t be overly concerned with the
little details and instead focus on bigger things instead. There was an
emergency meeting called for all youth groups and members present at that camp
telling them that what he said doesn’t mean that people can start wearing
spaghetti straps. That pastor was rarely invited back to LBPC and I wont be
surprised if he never speaks at any of their church camps ever again.
xxxxx
So yup that’s
the end to almost everything I’m annoyed about in church. Other things I left
out are mostly because I can’t remember any evidence to back up my case, or
because it’s too minor and seems more of a whine than a fact.
All in all I’m
just glad I got out of this better than before, and when asked why I don’t go
to church anymore since it doesn’t have to be LBPC, my only answer to you is
that I’m not ready yet. I don’t really wanna risk putting myself through that
ever again, even though some may say that other churches aren’t like that.
I’ve a feeling
I’ll be getting calls and texts and maybe emails from church people either
asking me more, reprimanding me for posting this post up, or maybe even
offering their sympathies, but I just want to clarify again that my whole
reason for posting this up is to finally let it out and be at peace with
myself. And instead of keeping quiet about it, I hope that my story warns the
youths in LBPC of the dangers they could fall into if they get in too deep, and
I also hope that maybe even someone with authority in LBPC sees this and
decides that the church should stop keeping quiet about all these issues and do
something about it. I’m not the only one who went through everything I mentioned
above, but probably am the only one who wrote a whole freaking essay out of it,
so maybe the church will finally realise that most if not all of the fault lies
on them and not on the individuals.
To anyone
who might be feeling the same way I did, I hope you find the enlightenment you
need to do what you should, and I hope you come out of it as well as I did, if
not even better.
And I swear, if you try to contact me and fail, and resort to contacting my parents instead in an attempt to "talk about why deborah is so unhappy with church" then I can assure you you're not going to find out anything except the extent of my wrath so let it go and direct your curiosity towards me instead.
